Winter's Lifeless World
by Ami L. Mendal
Summary: Remus and Ginny live at Grimmauld Place, finding comfort in each other's quiet healing. Post-War, slightly AU. (Tonks who?) Rated M for language and possible adult scenarios.
1. Darkness and Conversation

Of winter's lifeless world each tree

Now seems a perfect part;

Yet each one holds summer's secret

deep down within its heart.

Charles G. Stater

-.-.-

I worry about her more than I probably should. I know Ginny is a strong woman, but part of me, possibly Moony, feels that I must protect her. Perhaps that is because she is still so young, and the wolf inside me wishes to protect the familial youth. I also find that I must remind myself that she is a woman now, and no longer a child that I teach three days a week.

Molly warned me Ginny might slip back into the darkness if she didn't keep busy enough. I don't disagree with the motherly matron, I simply have my own way to empower the young woman before me. I let her have her bit of darkness. She needs it. We all do, in a way. It's good to remember what you've lost; it keeps you humble. It keeps you human. Without the loss of her brother and countless friends, she may never have found her path. Without witnessing firsthand what the wrong choices can lead you to, I don't think she would have made some of the choices she did.

George spent two years in the bottle when he decided to continue to live on his own; we all watched him spiral out of control, nearly lost the business because of it. He's still climbing his way out, but he's getting there. I think that helped her decision to move into Grimmauld Place with me. Neither of us is alone, but still have enough space to wallow in self pity when we need to. It's the perfect situation for us both.

-.-.-

This house creaks. It's loud for something that feels so dead. It's only Remus and me living here, but former Order members, what's left of them anyway, still pop in every once in a while. Mum brings food, Hermione brings books, and McGonagall, bless her soul, brings news from Hogwarts.

It took a full year to rebuild the castle and I returned for my seventh year that September. I graduated at the top of my class not because I'm smart, but because studying kept my mind off the corridor Colin died in, or the hallway that I last saw Fred.

It used to be the happiest place in Scotland, but now it only reminds me of a shortened childhood.

After graduating in June, I took two months off to heal. Everything I did reminded me of The Battle and I couldn't stand to look at my reflection for fear of seeing my brother. I had the same freckles and expressive face. I did too much thinking and sulking, Mum couldn't deal with my "darkness" as she so eloquently put it. She had her own mourning to do. Harry offered Professor Lupin and me rooms of our own at Grimmauld Place. Mum gave the condition that Harry and I would not date or "be intimate in any way". No problem there; neither of us wanted a relationship anyway. We were still grieving. Then Harry just stopped coming home at night. I think the year the trio was away made it difficult for them to be apart, so Harry stays with Hermione and Ron near Diagon Alley.

I trained for twenty months at the Ministry, completing that just two months ago. It feels like a lifetime though.

-.-.-

Conversation is sparse but not awkwardly so. She can't talk about her job as an Unspeakable and I don't have much to talk about at all. Sometimes she cries at night and I reassure her. Sometimes I have nightmares and she brings me tea and a comforting smile.

We find each other's company comfortable without small talk and niceties. When I'm upset, I vent to her and she listens. When she's upset, she'll cry or yell (then cry) and I console her. Right now is one of those moments where I sit on the couch staring at the fire and watch her. Her eyes are glazed over, most likely playing a scene in her head from The Battle. I remind myself to give her a few minutes, but if I see a tear, I'll be at her side in a flash.

The cocoa in my hand is growing cold and that upsets me more than it should. I'm always moodier when the full moon is near; I do my best not to take it out on her and I know she appreciates my effort. In turn, she brews the Wolfsbane Potion for me. I suppose, in a way, it's for her benefit, too. I don't endure as much pain when I transform and she gets to be safe in her own home. I was always rather rubbish at Potions. I really should get something for her to say thank you.

-.-.-

My mug of cocoa has gone cold in my hands but I don't care. I only make cocoa on nights leading to the full moon; I know it makes him feel better. Remus glances at me every few minutes, I presume to make sure I haven't evaporated. The heat from the fire is making my face hot and I'm worried I may get sun burnt. A ghost of a smile makes its way onto my face at the thought.

"Care to share?" Remus asks, setting his empty mug on the table in front of him. I've somehow come to the floor in front of the wing back chair I was in a few minutes ago, but I show no indication of caring that I sank.

"The fire is hot," I say stupidly.

He nods once, "That's usually how fire works."

I give half a smile, only quirking my lips enough to show that I heard him. Then it's silent again.

-.-.-

I know she means more than she's saying. Of course the fire's hot, we learn that at a young age. There is no reason for her, at age twenty-two, to announce this like it's news. I let it go because I'm sure there is deeper meaning to her words, but I know better than to push her.

A glance at the large clock near the doorway tells me it's nearly eleven: the time we usually depart ways and retire for the evening. I don't move until she does, though. I don't want her to be alone until she decides to do it herself.

We have a system, you see. On days she works late, I reheat leftovers from earlier in the week or something Molly brought over. If she'll be home before seven o'clock, I cook something for the two of us to enjoy together. Then we sit around, either in the living room or in the backyard, and savor the quiet comfort of each other. Some days are better than others.

"When will I stop being sad, Professor?" she asks quietly. My facial expression is grim but I unnecessarily try to hide it from her. She's back to staring at the fire again.

"I'm afraid you'll always be a little sad, Ginevra."

"Ginny."

"Remus."

"Sorry."

"It's quite alright."

The crackle of the fire is quieter now; it echoes around us and fills the void of conversation. The last of the logs have turned to red-hot embers, reminding me of her hair, and coincidentally, Fred's hair as well.

"I don't want to be sad anymore," she whispers.

She turns to look at me, her eyes are empty. "Me neither." I say, offering what little good that does.

"How often do you think of them, Prof- Remus? Your friends, I mean. Like James, and Sirius and-" she pauses, questioning the validity of his title as 'friend', "Peter?"

I watch her as the fire finally dies, the embers have turned to ash and we are engulfed in darkness. She hates darkness, so I flick my wand to light a few candles on the mantle.

"Every day, Ginny. Every day I think of them. A song on the wireless will remind me of our friendship. An overheard conversation will trigger a memory of a prank we played at school. Trinkets in my room that they gave me cue an instant replay of a holiday shared." I can't help the sigh that escapes me. "It gets easier to deal with, the sadness. The pain that comes with losing someone is no easy feat to conquer. But you will move on. You will learn to live without them. Your heart is missing a piece where that person filled it, so in turn, part of you will always be sad," I say, perhaps none-too-kindly.

Ginny tries to inconspicuously wipe a tear away, and I let her think she got away with it. A quiet sniffle is still loud when surrounded by silence.

She stands and gives me a chaste kiss on the cheek; routine with us since finally becoming comfortable with each other nine months ago. "Good night, Remus. And thank you," she adds, turning for the stairs.

"Good night, Ginny."


	2. Dinner and Nightmares

-.-.-

_Ginny_

I come home from work to a smoke-filled kitchen. Coughing and sputtering fill my ears, Remus' as well as my own.

"Remus? Are you okay?" I ask, worry dripping from my words.

"Fully embarrassed but otherwise fine," he says, waving a towel over a smoking pan. "My ego is the only wound I have sustained from attempting this. I hoped to have it cleaned up before you got back."

I make my way to the stove to see black, shriveled blobs in a pan. I take the entire thing and toss it in the rubbish bin.

"What was it _supposed_ to be?" I ask, opening the few windows we have as well as the back door.

"Fried okra," he says, throwing cleaning spells like a professional. He has pieces of burnt-something in his graying sandy hair. He gives an embarrassed laugh and I hug him around the middle.

"How about Chinese instead?" I say. "You buy, I fly."

I did, literally, fly to the Chinese take-out. I'm faster and much more agile on a broom than his older – er... more matured – body.

After taking our time and truly enjoying each other's company over dinner, we set the dishes to wash and sat outside. The March wind was still cool enough to bite at our cheeks but neither of us seemed to mind. "How was work?" Remus asked, rubbing his hands together for warmth.

I sighed, longing to tell him all about my day. "It was...frustrating," I say cryptically. That's as detailed as I'm allowed to get. I took an oath of secrecy; and not just a promise, but a magical binding contract with severe consequences should I ever break it.

"I wish I could say I understand... but I don't."

I give a small smile, "Your sympathy is enough."

We sit in silence for awhile, enjoying the complex spell Hermione placed on the backyard. It allowed something she called 'light pollution' not to enter, so we could see the night sky as it was mean to be seen. We see Mars, shining brightly, as well as Sirius and Orion twinkling. I wonder if it depresses him.

"I went through the attic a bit today. I found this," he says, handing me a tattered photograph. It's Sirius when he was about six, his arm slung over the shoulder of who I know is Regulus only from the stories I've been told of him. My previous wonder is confirmed.

"The two traitors," I whisper to myself, taking the picture carefully, as if it will disintegrate in my hands. I can only hope that the tears in my eyes can be blamed on the wind. Only then do I notice Remus has stiffened next to me, and I realize how my words sounded.

"No, I just meant... to the Black family, they were-... Oh Remus, I didn't mean... I'm sorry to have said it that way."

"No, it's fine. I understand now."

Guilt is evident on my face and Remus places a hand on my shoulder. "I'm sorry for being so uptight."

"I know you must miss him."

"He was my last hope at happiness; my final link to the years I so thoroughly enjoyed at Hogwarts."

I bite my lip, trying to think of something that will help. "But you still have Harry..."

Remus shakes his head slowly, "Harry looks so much like James, sometimes it hurts. On the other hand, his personality," Remus sighs, "that's all Lily."

I nod because there is nothing to say to such a deep confession.

-.-.-

_Remus_

I neglect to tell her how much she reminds me of Lily, too. Not only the red hair and fair skin, but also her kind heart, powerful magic, and spitfire attitude. She may not have scared anyone lately but I guarantee you she intimidates. She's a good match for Harry, I don't doubt that one bit; I just wonder if he's the best match for her in return.

I stare at Sirius – the constellation of course, seeing as she is still holding the photograph. I'm itching to have it back in my possession but she is studying it so closely, I can't bare to be rude. Instead, I sit and stare at the night sky and daydream of a time that was happier, almost simpler. I must have dozed off because Ginny is trying to coax me up.

"Come on, Remus. Let's get inside," she says, her tiny hands around my bicep. I am full of fatigue and struggle to stand, but we manage to get inside and climb up the stairs together. With her hand on my doorknob, she pushed it open with her hip and I stagger to my bed with her aid.

I clumsily kick off my shoes as she fluffs my pillow. Laying down takes more effort than I thought logical and I grunt as I land.

"Sweet dreams," she says, pulling the covers to my chin and placing a kiss on my cheek.

"Thank you. Good night, Ginny."

My eyes close and I faintly remember hearing the door click shut before slumber overcame me.

As quickly as sleep was to come, it would not stay quite as easily. I was plagued with many nightmares, and I know I kept my redheaded roommate awake with them. The first time, she knocked on my door and entered with tea in hand. The second time she brought biscuits and cocoa. The third was an exhausted effort to calm me into a better sleep. I vaguely remember wrapping my arms around her and falling back asleep.

-.-.-

_Ginny_

I awoke in the early morning with a warm arm around me. The softest of snores tickled my ear and I turned to see Remus sound asleep. I patted his arm gently and rose out of bed, careful not to wake him.

I took a quick shower and got ready for work before remembering it was one of my random days off. My boss gives us hectic schedules, sometimes working weeks straight with no rest; other times we won't go in for days at a time. Today is a single day off, to "rest our minds and come back with clear heads."

I change into jeans and Ron's old Quidditch jersey. I could wear mine, but it is much too small for my womanly body. I have grown since Hogwarts, not only in physique but also in my psyche. I am strong inside and out...or at least that's what I tell myself every night before bed. It is not always an easy task to convince myself.

I put on some tea in the kitchen and sit at the too-large table, grabbing the _Daily_ _Prophet_ that was set upon it by an owl. Old news, boring news, a fluff piece by Ron's ex-girlfriend, Lavender Brown; I am bored by the end of my cuppa.

A creaking of wood floors reaches my ears and I am quick to reach my wand.

"Petrificus- Oh! Sorry Remus."

His hands are up in surrender, fatigue still very evident on his face. His amber eyes are awake only from fear and again, I feel guilty. There has been a lot of guilt since the war.

"You have no need to apologize. I should have announced myself. I am sorry."

I feel my cheeks burning and look down at this useless rubbish we call a newspaper.

"Is there any tea left?" he asks, and I nod dumbly, watching him find a mug and pour some for himself. "Hm, we're almost out of sugar." he adds.

"I'll go grocery shopping later if you'd like," I offer. He doesn't like to leave the house often and I don't mind escaping into the sunshine.

"I'll go with you," Remus says, surprising me. "I think I need to stretch my wings, so to speak." He gives me a warm smile and I return it.

"In an hour then?"

He nods and we sit in our usual comfortable silence.

-.-.-

_Remus_

I appreciate that she does not comment on my disheveled look, nor the unconventional way we fell asleep last night. I would hate for the awkwardness between us to come back full force over such a trivial thing. We are both adults in that sense.

I rather look forward to grocery shopping today. Normally I would find it tedious and domestic but today I need a change of pace. These walls are haunting me and I can't think of another way to escape them. At least not with a believable excuse.

My tea is too hot when I drink the last of it and my tongue burns from the heat. I choose to ignore it; wishing instead to show that I am strong. There are things like last night that make me feel emasculated and defenseless. I am but a shell of a man, too scared and too damaged. Ginny means well, and I know she doesn't judge me, for I do not judge her, but today I must be strong.

I _am_ strong.


End file.
